Musing on stunted creativity.

I think it's clear from this piece that I'm feeling a little old at the moment. Well not old per say, just worn out.  I have so much on my mind currently that it's sapping me.  And as much as I try not to let it get me down this is perhaps mission impossible.  I have had a lot of trouble dumped in my lap over the last few months and there is no one thing that I have had to with that I have asked for or deserved. However knowing that I am to blame for none of it does not actually make me feel better.

When it comes to creativity, I find that depression and grief and other similar emotions cloud my ability to write.  I know the artistic talent of many is driven by their personal grapple with their demons;  for me it's about as effective as walking with a broken leg.  Painful, slow and stunted.

I have never given this much thought. Perhaps it's because I tend write from a happy place, and my capability is a reflection of this. This in itself should not prevent me from writing when my mood is low. On a deeper level I sense that it's more that I become unnerved by the fashion in which words twist to reflect what I'm feeling a little too well. After all I never felt that mirrors were my friend. It is, in the other hand, a hurdle to my self expression which needs to be overcome.

On the bright side I finally got this months sick pay. I wonder if I will have to fight for it again next month...

Bad employers, bad!

I am supposed to be an sick leave. Legally I am entitled statutory sick pay. This month I received no pay even though the dr's note I sent my employers is valid up until the end of November and the chances as the doctors will extend it because of my ill health. I have no idea what I have done to deserve all the shit I have been through this year but this truely takes the cake...

Why is that employers think they can get away with bull shit like this?

Anti-convulsants

The joy of any medication is the side effects.  Anti-convulsants are never prescribed without reason.  In my case they were prescribed to take the edge off grand-Mal seizures.  They seem to be do they well for the most part, aside from the occasionally leg spasm. However, I have felt ridiculously lethargic since i began taking them.  It feel like I have to go for a run in the morning just to be able to coordinate my muscular movements enough to walk.  This is a result of the function of the anti-convulsants.

The anti-convulsants contain chemicals that interact with the neuro-chemicals in the brain in such a fashion that they serve to slow the chemical reactions down. Slow chemical reaction in the brain prevents the electron firing that causes seizures but also cause the more mundane activities of the brain to occur at a slow rate.  The biological process creep along in comparison to what they are capable of.  I know by this reasoning that the lethargy is a normal reaction by it is hard to get started when the mental equivalent of sand has been pour in the brain engine.

In my own case this lethargy can by quite difficult the deal with as I am on high doses of two different anti-convulsants.  I don't mind constantly wanting to sleep, but waking up tired is a bugger.  Even things I enjoy doing are difficult thanks to tiredness and inability to concentrate.  Coffee only helps so much.

The dangers of free writing

In free-writing the idea is to write whatever comes to mind. The benefits of this is it ignores inhibitions and one is less likely to think about the value of what one is writing so it frees up the ability to produce a quantity of words in a short time frame. When this the goal then it is a quick way to succeed. However, every time I free write I always regret looking over what I have written as the quality becomes more inconsistent and the prose disjointed as I go on. This is where it as advantageous to have a plan or goal in mind for the section you are planning to write.

I am not even 2000 words into my novel challenge, and I am already annoyed with the quality of what I have written. It is nothing a complete rewrite won't cure. But when considering a drastic action with a section of prose one always needs to consider if it is even worth it. I am almost considering a restart with new idea. Problem is my mental energy is just too sapped.

Current word count: 1830

Brain melting woe

Top tip for the day: don't let someone with limited cognitive capacity attempt to bake.  It is a biiig mistake.  I tried to make a simple loaf today.  Not something I would normally struggle with but at the moment it like the simple rules of baking are eluding me.  The seeded loaf I attempted wound up tasting of bicarbonate despite a cup of sugar.