It's hard to find meaning in life these days. I have never been one for plans, but I was fairly sure of my path until recently. There was so much I was certain of, things I was sure I was going to do; even people I wanted to do them with. It unthinkable, until it happens to you, just how much of your world can be destroyed. And it rarely matters what causes this destruction, a loved one, a twist of fate, or a time bomb you never knew was there; the after effects of the same.
Grief. Anger. Self-pity. Just to name a few. These emotions ensnare and entomb one if not careful. For every step forward, you're tugged 2 back. In a way it is a trap that is almost sweet to fall into. What better way to deal with the unfairness of life then to rail against it? The relief seems bittersweet. But then I have always had a bittersweet palette.
It is impossible to remain trapped in this more forever. In a sense coping mechanisms creep up on you. Sometimes in the most amusing way possible as well. Today I was laughing like a lunatic as staggered over to a bench gripping the wall with both hands as minor convulsions start to tremor down my right side. I had to hold onto the wall, because I was not sure my leg would hold me much longer but all I think of was crazy I must look.
Another aspect? I suddenly realized I like my new short hairstyle. This was a weird realization, as I liked it immediately after it was cut. I had only practical thoughts in mind, ie. short hair will be easier for the surgery team to deal, make post-op wound care easier to deal with ect. It just suits my hair so well; it spikes with no product and still looks great if I don't clean or brush it. Which is great, considering my head is still tender, and likely to be for a long time.
I'm actually finding more energy and interest in activities I have been too fatigue to do for years, which is a bonus. I actually find myself tempted to take up basketball or tennis or another sport again, even though my body will protest. The way in which re-invention present itself in life can be downright weird.
But then it's nearly 2 in the morning and I'm struggling to sleep again; despite fatigue.
