I have totally had enough...

Sooo quick recap - life fell apart after seizures lead to discovery of tumor in the left hemisphere of my brain. It has been removed and 3 months of recover later I'm trying to pick up the pieces. However, my work place seems intent on ,asking my health worse. My biggest concern for getting my life back together is the persistent, ongoing seizures. I have been trying so hard to get these under control. But given that tense emotional states, fatigue and cognitive/physical exertion all bring the seizures on, this a tough task.

Today I recieved a request from the local housing authority requesting my last three payslips (clearly to prove I am still only receiving sick pay). This is to be expected. But it was then that I realised that, in addition to forgetting to pay my sick pay in November, they had not sent me one payslip since September. If I can't prove what I am receiving then I will face, at the very least, a temporary suspension of my housing allowance. Since I am still unable to work the hours necessary to afford to live off wages this is actually quite stressful and anxiety inducing. But it is beginning to feel that that is all my current employers have done since the tumor was found; every spell of stress/anxiety leaves me with increased risk of a seizures. I do not know how much longer I can cope. -_-

The wish list

Today. Just another day. I have have uploaded another flash fic to Next Stop: The End. They just keep coming this week. I'm more than a little worried about my poor laptop's performance these days. Between the hardware issues and the software conflicts it's getting close to new laptop time; I just hope this baby of machine will hold out until such a time as when I can actually afford to replace it.

Money is crux of my issues atm.  Living on SSP and housing benefits leaves me with little to spare. Because of a badly timed direct debit I actually went overdrawn on my account (literally if it had gone out the next day it would have been fine). This, as you would expect, meant my mobile was cut off very, very briefly. 45 minutes and 2 calls later it was all sorted out.  The Co-operative bank's customer adviser was very helpful, and the fee had already been wavered as it was the first time it had happened on my account.  He also gave me very sound advice on what to do if I thought it would happen next time. And, surprise surprise, virgin media was all too helpful when I called them too sort it out.

I am actually to the point where I want to be working again... But because of change in my capabilities I need to do a phased return to work. Ultimately I may even have to switch jobs, if my current job triggers to many seizures. Of course, that's only something only time will tell.

There's just a few many things on my needed list a the moment, like new glasses. The reduction in inter-cranial pressure means my distance prescription is right off now. A new pair is in £200 region.

If I had to make a wish list this would be it

- lack of seizures (unlikely, I haven't had any untriggered ones for a little while but the triggers are everyday occurrences)

- Ability to work enough hours to not have to worry about loss of SSP and housing support that my return to work will mean.

- new glasses

- new laptop

- clear MRI

- for any seizure I do have to a) not give me muscular weakness and lock of motor control in right side, b) to not the aforementioned persist after a seizure has long ended

- no need for a cane (see previous sentence)

- Oh and since I'm asking for the impossible or the improbable - wealth, fame and fortune?

Thirsty

Pretty, pretty drinks.  I want alcohol. Yummy, yummy alcohol. Just putting it out there

Change is an odd, odd thing

I've slipped back into my writing blog well and truly.  I'm managing to pump out at least 1 piece of flash fiction a day.  I can only hope this consistency holds up once I start work again because I'm coming to realize just how important it is for me to be able to write. 

I have often needed to put aside who I am to get by.  Responsibilities, maturity, care and compassion for other ect. have always been the forefront of my behaviour.  And while these are, on occasion, traits that I have had thrust on me by necessity, they are also traits I accept as a side of myself. But while this is the case I have also let a very large part of myself go undernourished because of circumstances. Underneath the surface I have passion and creativity that has not been directed properly. In continuing to write I feel I am becoming more myself then ever; which is a very odd feeling indeed.

I am also noticing odd things - such as the fact that the more I write the more Australian I sound. Which is hilarious given how long I have been in England.

The long of the short here is that I have been forced through a period of rapid growth, and I'm not at all unhappy with it.  Though that's not to say that there aren't things I would rather not have happened in the last year. But no matter what choices we make there will always be choices made for us whether it's by live or by those closest to us.