Ch-Ch-Changes

Sometimes I visit this blog and think 'OMG, it's still here?' I spend more of my time blogging here about my various writing projects then I do on Crazy Thoughts rambling about my life. This has not been deliberate, it's just I initially started blogging as a form of free writing - a way to clear the webs from my thought before I attempted a serious project such as an essay or story.  As a result I started Next Stop: The End (link above) because on writing project lead to another and very soon I no longer engaged in free writing unless I'm stumped (like today).

Crazy Thoughts also became a repository for allergen free recipes, and craft or soap related activities. I still make soap, but infrequently because the stuff last so damn long, though I can give it away quite quickly; I just haven't bought the necessary equipment since I moved, so it's an activity that's on hold till I need to make some more. I did make a yummy banana milo cake a few months ago, a recipe I will share eventually, but its still experimental.  The only project of note was the Handmade Dog Coat that I  shared on my word press blog, and had to intended to share here too. However I've become increasingly busy since I started my Master's degree.

Yes. Master's degree. Totally Crazy. It's not the only change either.  Poor Maxie had to be euthanasied because his cancer was causing him distress.  At least he can finally see Luke again.  Max still looked for him every time he heard a noise downstairs. Because of all the events of this year my aunt now has decided to sell up, and down size.  The house will be on the market and the house de-cluttering shall begin.  This won't be an easy task.  I'm just glad that I've only bought clothes and text books since I moved in!  Getting rid of most of my possessions, furniture and miscellaneous household items was not fun... Or easy because I still had not gain full use/strength of my leg back after the craniotomy and the fatigue meant i'd fall asleep in the middle of doing tasks. It was ridiculous.

Of course it would have been so much easier if the Ex had taken his clutter with him when he bolted in fear of what the tumour meant.  I mean, seriously, don't leave others your crap to deal with; it's not fair.

Molding our Young.

And here it is, my second news article!  I see no reason why it shouldn't be published in some fashion if The advocate can't find room for it in the already full broadsheets.  My writing seems to have focused strictly on the non-fictional at the moment.  While this is a learning experience, I'm missing fiction.  I'm going to make myself do so flash fiction this week, damn it!  The following article is one I submitted last week for possible publication.  I'm currently working on another on behalf of Welcoming Interculteral Neighbours Inc.

Gladstone cultural diversity has seen a steep rise over the past few years, yet we only have one playgroup that reflects the changes within our community. The Multicultural Playgroup, run jointly by Playgroup QLD and WIN Inc., establishes a safe niche for children to learn and play while creating a place of mutual respect, and dignity for family groups. For these families, the playgroup makes a refreshing change from normal as children are encouraged to use both languages in the very same social activities provided by other playgroups. Through exploring the various cultures in a social context these children form an accepting community at an early age – preparing them for a future where communities are certainly going to become far more diverse.

The early years of childhood are important to the development of a child's social awareness of their world. It is during these formative years that children learn how they should cope with others who are 'different' from them. This makes is the best period for forming healthy inter-cultural interactions. As such it would be a mistake to think that the Multicultural Playgroup is purely for those of different ethnic origins. Many Australians could benefit from a deeper understanding of our neighbours, and this playgroup provides a perfect forum. Any and all are welcome to join us. The Multicultural Playgroup is free and runs at the Neighbourhood Center on 105 Toolooa st every Friday from 9:30-11:30.

For more information please visit us at Welcoming intercultural Neighbours at 10 Tank st, Gladstone. We can also be contacted by email at admin@win-australia.org.au or by phone on 0487 422 142.

I feel that this one is an improvement on the last article; flowing more fluently with the structure of a proper news article.  This style is not a bad fit for someone already experienced with the concision of flash fiction.  Hopefully, practice will make perfect and I will be able to get fiction written.  Of course, I've been keeping myself busy with work for both WIN and the RSPCA and prep for my course starting in November.  I like to be busy, clearly.

 Charlie actually has a happy face. I found it!! Yay!

Max is adorable when he's sleeping.




Hairy babies.

University in the digital age

I was asked to comment on the video for an E-learning orientation for my Griffith Masters course. I ended having a good giggle because I went to a public primary school in an under-funded socio-economic area in the 90's.

When I started primary school the use of devices for learning was extremely limited. Mobiles had only just come into existence. Touch-screen tablets were a flight of fancy fit only for sci-fi.  As for my primary school's computers? Those were old for the 90's... and use was restricted to early teaching games and touch typing programmed.  The idea of searching 'the web' for information was in its infancy and it was to the school's outdated textbooks children were referred.  In my life I have lived through the advance from Atari to Xbox, wii, and PS4.  I now walk around with a mini-computer 'smart' phone, read e-books off a tablet, and essays that I had to submit in awful handwriting are completely drafted, revised and submitted via Electronics.

The use of electronics as advanced so quickly that younger generation no longer understand how to cope offline.  Social scientist debate as too the nature of this revolution. Is it advancing our intelligence or is it limiting it?  While we know, do we over rely on the knowledge that is readily at hand..  Will future scientist become so adjusted to using software to do their thinking that they no longer understand the knowledge they seek?

My only answer is that the digital age has opened up more doors for education then the world ever did for me, and my pursuit of knowledge will be coupled by a desire for deeper understanding.

To the beat of a different drum.

It has been ages since I posted.  Since march I have been either stupidly busy, fatigued or dealing with ill-health both related to my tumor or my immuno-suppression, and setting up new specialists.  I'm finally back to semi-regular posting with my fiction blog.  I'm finally sort-of settled into my new living situation.  I've been spending lot's of time with old friends, family and a pair of adorable doggies of whom I've been playing surrogate mother too.  Time really dose flow to it's own beat, as before I had even realized it, August had arrived.

I'm not a fan of August.  Too many bad things happen around August. Every year I wonder what will happen this time.  I'm hoping nothing because I've already had enough shit for one year.  The 25th is around the corner.  I've survived another year.  Not yet 30 and I'm marking off years of life with the same sense of achievement usually held by those over 70.

The 28th - anniversary of my first Grand Mal. Oct 2nd - Anniversary of my awake craniotomy. Oct 7 - Anniversary of a bitch-slap I never deserved from life or from someone I cared about and trusted. It would be nice if it ended there.  But life is not so kind.  Then there's March... When we will be wishing that one of our own was still here.

We never know how much time we have left.  There a things I no longer care about because I've learned there are things I'll never have. There are things I can't worry about because I can't affect the out come no matter what I do. Instead I choose to focus on what I can achieve, what I can do. Even when it seems insufficient to what life throws at me.

I'm still around, just down under. :p

31 of May. Less then a week left in Aussie country.  Eep, I have to face another flight. Gah. I may be safe to fly but the trip  over made me feel roouugh.

I need a how-to on how to get to sleep

My insomnia has gotten bad again.  I'm on anti-epileptics that should make me sleep like a log.  But I'm struggling to get to sleep at decent hours.  Then when I've finally been up long enough to cause exhaustion I need to sleep ridiculous spans to catch up.  I'm trying to force a structured routine to make my body tire naturally but so far no luck.  But then I only have just managed to start getting a little more activity in without risking seizures. Beginning to feel like by the time I'm full recovered from the first op the surgeons will be cutting in to resect the tumour again.  On the bright side, the tumor may just shift away from the section of my brain that controls the movement of my right leg.  So I may get to keep they movement of the limb.

Quiet times

I made a little mistake. I cut down on my painkillers. This by itself was fine. Unfortunately it got to the point I stopped taking them. Bad decision.

I haven't had a lot of desire to do much recently as a result. I have a semi-permanent headache and bad quality sleep most of the time.  Most normal people would take pain-killers, but not me. I am so used to having headaches that I just carry on.  It wasn't until I had a really bad migraine and was forced to take some that I realised just how much it was affecting me. Suddenly I had some much more desire to be active and Write.

Homemade orange tea

I've recently started to make my own teas, rather than buy dehydrated, over-processed bags from the shop. Fruit and herbs teas are made from the same ingredients as juices or soups. The major difference is that the pieces have been finely diced, dehydrated and had, in some cases, preservatives mixed in. The real irony is the same ingredients in the tea bag often get chucked out in the food waste bin.  For example, if you want orange tea all you need is orange rind.  Stick into in a small pan with water a sugar to taste and a few minutes later you have orange tea. Great part of a healthy diet as the rind has plenty of various vitamins and minerals that usually end up tossed.

Other suggestions for old rind

Candied - Boil to soften then roll in raw sugar

Addition to stir fries and salads.

hospitals

Not been one of the good days. Crippling headache and I have to go to JR for my follow up tomorrows.

Time to make a move

I have been considering switching entirely to my Wordpress blog.  The blogger platform is limited in certain ways. It is not a very social platform. Wordpress makes it very easy to communicate with other blogs.  It is also so very easy to find other blog. I'm  just not sure the random eclectic content I've published over the time I've had this blog would suit the theme of my fiction orientated blog.  Cluttering it up with the occasional craft or random thought would add depth to the contents but might detract from it's purpose.

It's not a major decision or even one I'm in a rush to consider.  But I'm not longer sure there's any logic to keeping two blogs.

Chocolate cures all

Deep cleaning of my room and bathroom done; head swirling and giving me odd disconnects from movement.  I deserve chocolate now.  I will go out for a Mall 'walk' and get some.  Mall Walk are the only way I get exercise these days. Short distance from the flat and always warm no matter what the weather.

MEgrains

I haven't update this blog in a while.  Thought it was about time.  I have been focussing my creative writing blog Next Stop: The End, which currently updates almost every day; often with 2-3 flash fics a day.  My other blog has grown to some 250+ followers with 80 odd twitter followers.  Can't say I'm complaining, I'll be happy if even 10% of those followers are regular readers.  Today I even managed a concrete paragraph for a story line I've been planning out for months.

I talked to my Doctor today about the extending my sick note. Apparently I can extend it as long as I need.  At this point that's fine by me.  I'm building up the amount of work I'm capable off but I still have frequent headaches, migraines, and bouts of fatigue.  I have been applying for jobs that are part-time and within my current capabilities but so far my application is either ignored outright or I get interviewed and automatically fail once it comes to my recent health matters. It feel like I'm not going to get a job until I'm no longer affect by seizures or brain surgery or until I deliberately choose not disclose my 'disability'.  Because the seizure effects, right-side issues, and surgery-related side-effects are still quite obvious I can't not disclose.  Seems my value as a staff member has fallen.  Gotta love society...

Yay!  I don't know what I did or what's happening but YAY. Being excited for no reason is brilliant.

Wisdom for today

The act of being strong is in accepting you are weak and facing that weakness with courage born of understanding your fears.

Anemia

Shit luck is getting a bad bladder infection and a period on the same day. Now wonder I fancied liver... Need to replace my lost iron...

Shifting towards the future

Yahoooo! My creative writing blog is doing so very well!! I'm averaging between 50-100 views a day.  I have people encouraging me to finish a novel because they want to read more of my work.  I have Authors who's writing ability I respect telling me not to procrastinate on it. :)  This month has been a great turn around.  It was a bit rocky at first with employers/housing allowance situation but that resolved itself with a big push from me.  It helps that the people who didn't care have left. I never could stand people who would tell you lies because they were in denial themselves.  Love made me put up a lot of poor behaviour. I will keep in mind that you can only heal an abused dog if he wants it.  Just wish I hadn't wasted so much time encouraging them towards mental health.  There were times I need that myself.  I entered a dark place again quite recently and I didn't much enjoy being there. Worrying about hiding my painkillers so I won't be tempted to take to many or only handling knives when others were around unless I did something harmful was a chore well and truly. I really wanted to leave that place in my teens where it belonged. I want to move forward not back. I want to enjoy what time I have, whether it's days or decades.

Thoughts for the day.

Procrastination is an art form.
Depression is realising that if my head process this well during my degree I would have gotten a first
Dealing is realising that I still got a 2:1 with a lump pressing against the part of my brain that controlled intellectual functions.

Tiredness

So tired I almost feel drunk with it. :D

....zZzZZ

I'm so fricken tired. I've been have trouble sleeping for various reasons.  So I stayed up reading till 5a.m. Brilliant...  I expected to drift long before that.  I'm still trying to write a formal request letter to my employers for payslips. It's nearly complete but between the mix of emotion the entire situation has awakened and the tiredness I can't seem to okay the draft.  I had better luck with my creative writing this morning, but it's not urgent!

I am Pin Cushion

No jokes. I should change my name to Pin Cushion. Every time I need a cannula I entered into an insane little ritual. The nurse will prod my elbows to find a vein. Each one will seem too deep, too close a tendon or will roll itself out of the needles way. Then they usually go after my wrist. Today, today.... My valve blew because the needle was dangerously close: no harm but a nice bruise. At this point the radiologist is called. After slapping my hand for what seems like ages and asking me I have drunk enough today he finally tries the veins in the back of my hand unsuccessfully twice. At this point I no longer care. So they go for my other wrist, finally get the canula in and we get on with the MRI. But then, the vein gets its revenge. They remove the canula and the little bastard won't stop bleeding....

With the exception of the bleeding, this happens every time.....

Anyone else want to jab me today?

STARBUCKS!!!

I finally have it! The first cup of Starbucks coffee in 4 months. It's been soooo long :( .  I'm in Oxford for my first proper MRI since the craniotomy. And it's too cold for me to wander around. I forgot how pretty Oxford, even mid-winter. I almost regret getting here 2 hours early but that's just perfect time frame for sitting in 'bucks having a drink. Funny bit is I would have gotten to headington and hour earlier but trains heading south from Banbury were facing severe delays as the result of broken down freight train. Fun day for rail staff.

It's been a busy day already. First job was to get to a drs appointment to ask my dr to write a letter to send to the benefits office on my behalf.  I am hoping it will be enough to make them reconsider suspension off the housing allowance because, while I am pursuing other avenues to get my payslips, it will be cutting it close if I do get them in time. At the moment I have to hope the benefits team will accent bank statements. Bloody frustrating. The worst part is I'm not even blaming the benefits team; it's their job. Although the best part of the day was my dr advising me not to go back to working with them. Highlight.

But I guess I am going to have to go into my savings sooner than planned either way -_- I need new glasses, sooner the better. The prescription difference is substantial enough that I get eye strain just walking around town. Working the mail-out at age concern was fun. Had to keep stooping or bringing the envelopes uncomfortably close to my face evey time there was a snag.

Good on ya, Google

Google plus sharing system just gave the best laugh. I shared my most recent flash fic yesterday only to discover that it has tagged it under the most ludicrous thing ever: bear. The fic is about a teen who has run away from home only to be found by her brother; it has Nothing to do with bears!!! The only time I mentioned the word 'bear' was in my explanatory note as to why I did not want to reduce the word count further. However, this give me a good laugh. :) I needed that. It's been a stressy day.  My housing allowance may be suspended in 3 weeks if my work place doesn't send me my last three payslips which they should have been sending me in the first place. To top it off they have not even replied to the email I sent to them regarding the matter last week.  According to the benefits office they can not accept any other documentation. If that benefit is suspended I'm going to have to move my phasing back to work plan a month ahead of planned date because I will need the money to cover rent. ;.;

I have totally had enough...

Sooo quick recap - life fell apart after seizures lead to discovery of tumor in the left hemisphere of my brain. It has been removed and 3 months of recover later I'm trying to pick up the pieces. However, my work place seems intent on ,asking my health worse. My biggest concern for getting my life back together is the persistent, ongoing seizures. I have been trying so hard to get these under control. But given that tense emotional states, fatigue and cognitive/physical exertion all bring the seizures on, this a tough task.

Today I recieved a request from the local housing authority requesting my last three payslips (clearly to prove I am still only receiving sick pay). This is to be expected. But it was then that I realised that, in addition to forgetting to pay my sick pay in November, they had not sent me one payslip since September. If I can't prove what I am receiving then I will face, at the very least, a temporary suspension of my housing allowance. Since I am still unable to work the hours necessary to afford to live off wages this is actually quite stressful and anxiety inducing. But it is beginning to feel that that is all my current employers have done since the tumor was found; every spell of stress/anxiety leaves me with increased risk of a seizures. I do not know how much longer I can cope. -_-

The wish list

Today. Just another day. I have have uploaded another flash fic to Next Stop: The End. They just keep coming this week. I'm more than a little worried about my poor laptop's performance these days. Between the hardware issues and the software conflicts it's getting close to new laptop time; I just hope this baby of machine will hold out until such a time as when I can actually afford to replace it.

Money is crux of my issues atm.  Living on SSP and housing benefits leaves me with little to spare. Because of a badly timed direct debit I actually went overdrawn on my account (literally if it had gone out the next day it would have been fine). This, as you would expect, meant my mobile was cut off very, very briefly. 45 minutes and 2 calls later it was all sorted out.  The Co-operative bank's customer adviser was very helpful, and the fee had already been wavered as it was the first time it had happened on my account.  He also gave me very sound advice on what to do if I thought it would happen next time. And, surprise surprise, virgin media was all too helpful when I called them too sort it out.

I am actually to the point where I want to be working again... But because of change in my capabilities I need to do a phased return to work. Ultimately I may even have to switch jobs, if my current job triggers to many seizures. Of course, that's only something only time will tell.

There's just a few many things on my needed list a the moment, like new glasses. The reduction in inter-cranial pressure means my distance prescription is right off now. A new pair is in £200 region.

If I had to make a wish list this would be it

- lack of seizures (unlikely, I haven't had any untriggered ones for a little while but the triggers are everyday occurrences)

- Ability to work enough hours to not have to worry about loss of SSP and housing support that my return to work will mean.

- new glasses

- new laptop

- clear MRI

- for any seizure I do have to a) not give me muscular weakness and lock of motor control in right side, b) to not the aforementioned persist after a seizure has long ended

- no need for a cane (see previous sentence)

- Oh and since I'm asking for the impossible or the improbable - wealth, fame and fortune?

Thirsty

Pretty, pretty drinks.  I want alcohol. Yummy, yummy alcohol. Just putting it out there

Change is an odd, odd thing

I've slipped back into my writing blog well and truly.  I'm managing to pump out at least 1 piece of flash fiction a day.  I can only hope this consistency holds up once I start work again because I'm coming to realize just how important it is for me to be able to write. 

I have often needed to put aside who I am to get by.  Responsibilities, maturity, care and compassion for other ect. have always been the forefront of my behaviour.  And while these are, on occasion, traits that I have had thrust on me by necessity, they are also traits I accept as a side of myself. But while this is the case I have also let a very large part of myself go undernourished because of circumstances. Underneath the surface I have passion and creativity that has not been directed properly. In continuing to write I feel I am becoming more myself then ever; which is a very odd feeling indeed.

I am also noticing odd things - such as the fact that the more I write the more Australian I sound. Which is hilarious given how long I have been in England.

The long of the short here is that I have been forced through a period of rapid growth, and I'm not at all unhappy with it.  Though that's not to say that there aren't things I would rather not have happened in the last year. But no matter what choices we make there will always be choices made for us whether it's by live or by those closest to us.

Chicken stew - winter warmer

This one has worked out better then I planned. I used home made stock for the base however I did cheat and use a gravy powder. Still, won't argue with results. It tastes yummy!

Ingredients:

Flour (gf if needed)

2 chicken breasts, diced

1/2 cup of gravy powder (again gf if needed)

1 cup diced leek

4 cloves diced garlic

Italian herb mix to taste

Salt to taste

3 medium potatoes, diced

3 carrots, diced

2 parsnips, diced

For stock: 

Reserve of chicken bones and off cuts

Water

Directions:

1) Flour the diced chicken and brown in a well oiled pot (preferably the base of a steamer). Removed chicken from heat and place pieces in a bowl. Keep oils/juices in pot.

2) Place the bones and off cuts in the base of the steamer. Cover with water and bring to a boil. Place the carrots, potato, and parsnips in the second level of the steamer and place over boiling stock. Leave to boil until veggies are soft.

3) Remove veggies and place to the side. Seperate stock from chicken leftovers and left stock to cool in a bowl.

4) Using the now empty steamer based brown the garlic and leek.

5) Add the stock back to the pot with the browned chicken and bring to a simmer on a low heat.

6) Mix the gravy stock with some cool water, blending well.

7) Add veggies to chicken and stock, and then the gravy mix. Add water to cover veggies if needed and then bring to a boil.

8) Add herbs and salt to taste.

Distractions and productivity are not mutually exclusive

I'd like to say 'Another day, Another Dollar' but since I'm on sick pay the days don't mean much either way. I would go stark raving mad at my current lack of activity if it weren't for the fact that my anti-epileptic drugs make me too lethargic to actually give a rat's arse. I meant to get more writing done today, and perhaps even work some more on my CV for when I find a job for occupational therapy.  Then the distractions hit...

Today's distraction...

- Decided to vacuum room. Eventually I actually got to this but only after I finished vacuuming the lounge out.
- Thought meh, may as well vacuum the lounge and realised no one had done the couches and cushions for awhile; two breaks, a washing pile and lunch later this finally got done
- Needed to hang out washing, having remember to actually put it in in the first place.
- Oh, right. Need to take down dry stuff first; but I want to work on this piece I'm writing
- Eh, no milk for me. :( :( Walkies!!!! :)
- Still not wrote anything but sudden epiphany made me put off making bed
- Working through notes on project, hit me that it may actually be easier to time up the 12 pages of outline I have to make the changes.
- Finally manage to write a writing challenge (Called kick her to the Curb), still not started typing up current project

Conveniently I 'forgot' about CV.  But since all I need to refine now is the references and format I think I'm good.  I'm kinda restricted in what I do at the moment anyway and have to consider any job as part of a learning curve. I'm expecting workplace stress factors to affect my triggers.

Actually, dispite the distraction level I was quite productive  ^_^

A poem and a short fic in one day?

OMG I've actually been productive. Don't die on me now. ;) I kicked the day off to a start with The lion and the wolf; a bittersweet poem about mis-matched couples. I took that momentum and carried through with The Blackout; a short piece of rom-com fic in 100 words that was written as part of the Friday Fictioneers challenge. And I'm still considered writing another scene for my current project, a romance with both supernatural and crime-related action elements.

In other news I have given Crazy Thoughts a complete over haul.  How is the new look?

Tragic dreams inspiring poetry!

There are some questions you do not ask yourself in the middle of the night. Your brain will be so caught up trying to give you an answer that it will cook up strange dreams that won't actually be an answer to the question you asked but a response to the emotions behind the question. The brain has a funny way of subconsciously solving this emotion based niggles. The answers are almost always wrapped up in difficult to interpret dream signs that actually cause more confusion then they answer.

What was my question? I was wondering about past lives, more specifically, my own. No this is an area that is best left up to your personal beliefs but my personal belief is in the rebirth/re-incarnation cycle. In fact I feel I have occasional glimpses at that former self - to experience the memory of final moments certain sent a shiver down my spine. That, gratefully, was not what I was thinking about last night. When I dwell on those glimpses I sense that there was a person whom this other self loved beyond all reason; someone for whom they willingly threw their life away in battle for. Of course, it was late in the night and I began wondering if I had met or would meet that person in this life time. This was not a good point in the train of thought to fall asleep...

My dream was sad, I warn you now. It starts of with a man putting a letting a waterproof case and attaching to the bottom of an iceberg. Then I see a family home. My kid (which I have none of) is playing in the background and I am unable to focus on cooking dinner - it keeps going wrong. The man from before begins to play with the kid and offers ice cream although dinner has not been had. Feeling frustrated and sad I open the fridge to discover he has labeled absolutely everything ( including stuff that already out of date). Next thing I know I am watching him leave, not stopping him and shedding not tears, asking the universe if this is how it's meant to be. The next thing I know my attention is call back to the iceberg. I realise that the letter is a representation of what he feels and believes. Then there is this terrible knowledge that archeologist in a distant future will know more about his state of mind then I ever will.

It was at this point that I woke up feeling like an unchangable tragedy had happened.
But I wrote a nice poem as a result!

New year's resolutions, huh?

It's 2:30 am. I am awake. Very awake, and not because I want to be. Ironically, instead of staying up this late playing games or reading or doing something as equally more fun then sleeping I actually went to sleep early (well, fell asleep with lights on but it still counts!)  When I woke up I had some very coherent ideas for the current writing project, which if I can cure the habit of switching projects, will actually be a complete story line (huzzah!) After a very productive note session I'm now in the middle of a brain slump - caused for the first time in ages by actually cognitive work. So now, I brood...

I say brood, it's really just quizzical thoughts on the whole concept of new years resolutions. I did not make any this year - this in itself is fine as they never are remembered past the first week.  My problem this year is that my concerns are very simple, and I have no desire to set goals.  My only determination at this point is to make it too 28 alive. Simple, neh? It would be nice to have an idea of where, or what I want to be by 2016 but at this point it is not possible.  I'm too close to my brush with death; and I have had far to many difficult changes forced on me to know where I stand let alone knowing what I want to do in the future.  In small ways I am already moving forward, concrete 'resolutions' or not.  I am learning how to cope with and, importantly, predict my seizures, and while i'm not comfortable with the need, if only occasional, for a cane at my age I'm just counting myself lucky that I can walk at all.  I'm pushing myself out of the god-awful depression that was pulling me backwards post surgery, and trying to test the new boundaries to physical and mental capabilities. I would like to keep faith in myself at this point, rather then be beat down by others nonsensical ideas.

Overall, I'd say if I had a resolution this year it would be to continue to grow, rather then to let the hurt of the past year weigh me down.