Randomness of coping mechinisms

It's hard to find meaning in life these days. I have never been one for plans, but I was fairly sure of my path until recently. There was so much I was certain of, things I was sure I was going to do; even people I wanted to do them with. It unthinkable, until it happens to you, just how much of your world can be destroyed. And it rarely matters what causes this destruction, a loved one, a twist of fate, or a time bomb you never knew was there; the after effects of the same.

Grief. Anger. Self-pity. Just to name a few. These emotions ensnare and entomb one if not careful. For every step forward, you're tugged 2 back. In a way it is a trap that is almost sweet to fall into. What better way to deal with the unfairness of life then to rail against it? The relief seems bittersweet. But then I have always had a bittersweet palette.

It is impossible to remain trapped in this more forever. In a sense coping mechanisms creep up on you.  Sometimes in the most amusing way possible as well.  Today I was laughing like a lunatic as staggered over to a bench gripping the wall with both hands as minor convulsions start to tremor down my right side.  I had to hold onto the wall, because I was not sure my leg would hold me much longer but all I think of was crazy I must look.

Another aspect? I suddenly realized I like my new short hairstyle. This was a weird realization, as I liked it immediately after it was cut.  I had only practical thoughts in mind, ie. short hair will be easier for the surgery team to deal, make post-op wound care easier to deal with ect.  It just suits my hair so well; it spikes with no product and still looks great if I don't clean or brush it. Which is great, considering my head is still tender, and likely to be for a long time.

I'm actually finding more energy and interest in activities I have been too fatigue to do for years, which is a bonus.  I actually find myself tempted to take up basketball or tennis or another sport again, even though my body will protest.  The way in which re-invention present itself in life can be downright weird.

But then it's nearly 2 in the morning and I'm struggling to sleep again; despite fatigue.

Morbid thoughts for the day

The body really is just a trap waiting to slam shut.

Okay so this thought occurred to me after a mild seizure made me lose control of my right side in a cafe.  This one was bad considering the amount of anticonvulsants I have been taking. I had the foresight to quickly make my sos bracelet obvious while I was fighting for control of my arm. From the feel of this one, it would been a grand mal meaning I'd wake up at home tomorrow with a hospital admission bracelet with no memory of how I had gotten from the cafe to my bed. Fun times. Fun times.

Musing on stunted creativity.

I think it's clear from this piece that I'm feeling a little old at the moment. Well not old per say, just worn out.  I have so much on my mind currently that it's sapping me.  And as much as I try not to let it get me down this is perhaps mission impossible.  I have had a lot of trouble dumped in my lap over the last few months and there is no one thing that I have had to with that I have asked for or deserved. However knowing that I am to blame for none of it does not actually make me feel better.

When it comes to creativity, I find that depression and grief and other similar emotions cloud my ability to write.  I know the artistic talent of many is driven by their personal grapple with their demons;  for me it's about as effective as walking with a broken leg.  Painful, slow and stunted.

I have never given this much thought. Perhaps it's because I tend write from a happy place, and my capability is a reflection of this. This in itself should not prevent me from writing when my mood is low. On a deeper level I sense that it's more that I become unnerved by the fashion in which words twist to reflect what I'm feeling a little too well. After all I never felt that mirrors were my friend. It is, in the other hand, a hurdle to my self expression which needs to be overcome.

On the bright side I finally got this months sick pay. I wonder if I will have to fight for it again next month...

Bad employers, bad!

I am supposed to be an sick leave. Legally I am entitled statutory sick pay. This month I received no pay even though the dr's note I sent my employers is valid up until the end of November and the chances as the doctors will extend it because of my ill health. I have no idea what I have done to deserve all the shit I have been through this year but this truely takes the cake...

Why is that employers think they can get away with bull shit like this?

Anti-convulsants

The joy of any medication is the side effects.  Anti-convulsants are never prescribed without reason.  In my case they were prescribed to take the edge off grand-Mal seizures.  They seem to be do they well for the most part, aside from the occasionally leg spasm. However, I have felt ridiculously lethargic since i began taking them.  It feel like I have to go for a run in the morning just to be able to coordinate my muscular movements enough to walk.  This is a result of the function of the anti-convulsants.

The anti-convulsants contain chemicals that interact with the neuro-chemicals in the brain in such a fashion that they serve to slow the chemical reactions down. Slow chemical reaction in the brain prevents the electron firing that causes seizures but also cause the more mundane activities of the brain to occur at a slow rate.  The biological process creep along in comparison to what they are capable of.  I know by this reasoning that the lethargy is a normal reaction by it is hard to get started when the mental equivalent of sand has been pour in the brain engine.

In my own case this lethargy can by quite difficult the deal with as I am on high doses of two different anti-convulsants.  I don't mind constantly wanting to sleep, but waking up tired is a bugger.  Even things I enjoy doing are difficult thanks to tiredness and inability to concentrate.  Coffee only helps so much.