Seizures and safety, the bloody learning Curve

Get, I' m trying to be really careful about going out and about with my seizures in mind. I am learning  various triggers, and am usually fairly confident about predicting when they will happen. Problem is I have ones that are unpredictable... They hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was having a walk through the park today, felt fine. The next thing I knew I lost control of my right side as my leg started mild convulsions. These were mild enough that I could keep my balance with my other side but I waiting for the day a severe happens... Same thing happened a few days before but fortunately I was close enough to catch hold of a wall - or I would have been swimming in the canal!

It's cold, just far too cold. And those swans are getting vicious.


On the bright side - I made cookies!  Coffee with triple chocolate chips ^_^

Randomness of coping mechinisms

It's hard to find meaning in life these days. I have never been one for plans, but I was fairly sure of my path until recently. There was so much I was certain of, things I was sure I was going to do; even people I wanted to do them with. It unthinkable, until it happens to you, just how much of your world can be destroyed. And it rarely matters what causes this destruction, a loved one, a twist of fate, or a time bomb you never knew was there; the after effects of the same.

Grief. Anger. Self-pity. Just to name a few. These emotions ensnare and entomb one if not careful. For every step forward, you're tugged 2 back. In a way it is a trap that is almost sweet to fall into. What better way to deal with the unfairness of life then to rail against it? The relief seems bittersweet. But then I have always had a bittersweet palette.

It is impossible to remain trapped in this more forever. In a sense coping mechanisms creep up on you.  Sometimes in the most amusing way possible as well.  Today I was laughing like a lunatic as staggered over to a bench gripping the wall with both hands as minor convulsions start to tremor down my right side.  I had to hold onto the wall, because I was not sure my leg would hold me much longer but all I think of was crazy I must look.

Another aspect? I suddenly realized I like my new short hairstyle. This was a weird realization, as I liked it immediately after it was cut.  I had only practical thoughts in mind, ie. short hair will be easier for the surgery team to deal, make post-op wound care easier to deal with ect.  It just suits my hair so well; it spikes with no product and still looks great if I don't clean or brush it. Which is great, considering my head is still tender, and likely to be for a long time.

I'm actually finding more energy and interest in activities I have been too fatigue to do for years, which is a bonus.  I actually find myself tempted to take up basketball or tennis or another sport again, even though my body will protest.  The way in which re-invention present itself in life can be downright weird.

But then it's nearly 2 in the morning and I'm struggling to sleep again; despite fatigue.

Morbid thoughts for the day

The body really is just a trap waiting to slam shut.

Okay so this thought occurred to me after a mild seizure made me lose control of my right side in a cafe.  This one was bad considering the amount of anticonvulsants I have been taking. I had the foresight to quickly make my sos bracelet obvious while I was fighting for control of my arm. From the feel of this one, it would been a grand mal meaning I'd wake up at home tomorrow with a hospital admission bracelet with no memory of how I had gotten from the cafe to my bed. Fun times. Fun times.

Musing on stunted creativity.

I think it's clear from this piece that I'm feeling a little old at the moment. Well not old per say, just worn out.  I have so much on my mind currently that it's sapping me.  And as much as I try not to let it get me down this is perhaps mission impossible.  I have had a lot of trouble dumped in my lap over the last few months and there is no one thing that I have had to with that I have asked for or deserved. However knowing that I am to blame for none of it does not actually make me feel better.

When it comes to creativity, I find that depression and grief and other similar emotions cloud my ability to write.  I know the artistic talent of many is driven by their personal grapple with their demons;  for me it's about as effective as walking with a broken leg.  Painful, slow and stunted.

I have never given this much thought. Perhaps it's because I tend write from a happy place, and my capability is a reflection of this. This in itself should not prevent me from writing when my mood is low. On a deeper level I sense that it's more that I become unnerved by the fashion in which words twist to reflect what I'm feeling a little too well. After all I never felt that mirrors were my friend. It is, in the other hand, a hurdle to my self expression which needs to be overcome.

On the bright side I finally got this months sick pay. I wonder if I will have to fight for it again next month...

Bad employers, bad!

I am supposed to be an sick leave. Legally I am entitled statutory sick pay. This month I received no pay even though the dr's note I sent my employers is valid up until the end of November and the chances as the doctors will extend it because of my ill health. I have no idea what I have done to deserve all the shit I have been through this year but this truely takes the cake...

Why is that employers think they can get away with bull shit like this?