To the beat of a different drum.

It has been ages since I posted.  Since march I have been either stupidly busy, fatigued or dealing with ill-health both related to my tumor or my immuno-suppression, and setting up new specialists.  I'm finally back to semi-regular posting with my fiction blog.  I'm finally sort-of settled into my new living situation.  I've been spending lot's of time with old friends, family and a pair of adorable doggies of whom I've been playing surrogate mother too.  Time really dose flow to it's own beat, as before I had even realized it, August had arrived.

I'm not a fan of August.  Too many bad things happen around August. Every year I wonder what will happen this time.  I'm hoping nothing because I've already had enough shit for one year.  The 25th is around the corner.  I've survived another year.  Not yet 30 and I'm marking off years of life with the same sense of achievement usually held by those over 70.

The 28th - anniversary of my first Grand Mal. Oct 2nd - Anniversary of my awake craniotomy. Oct 7 - Anniversary of a bitch-slap I never deserved from life or from someone I cared about and trusted. It would be nice if it ended there.  But life is not so kind.  Then there's March... When we will be wishing that one of our own was still here.

We never know how much time we have left.  There a things I no longer care about because I've learned there are things I'll never have. There are things I can't worry about because I can't affect the out come no matter what I do. Instead I choose to focus on what I can achieve, what I can do. Even when it seems insufficient to what life throws at me.

I have totally had enough...

Sooo quick recap - life fell apart after seizures lead to discovery of tumor in the left hemisphere of my brain. It has been removed and 3 months of recover later I'm trying to pick up the pieces. However, my work place seems intent on ,asking my health worse. My biggest concern for getting my life back together is the persistent, ongoing seizures. I have been trying so hard to get these under control. But given that tense emotional states, fatigue and cognitive/physical exertion all bring the seizures on, this a tough task.

Today I recieved a request from the local housing authority requesting my last three payslips (clearly to prove I am still only receiving sick pay). This is to be expected. But it was then that I realised that, in addition to forgetting to pay my sick pay in November, they had not sent me one payslip since September. If I can't prove what I am receiving then I will face, at the very least, a temporary suspension of my housing allowance. Since I am still unable to work the hours necessary to afford to live off wages this is actually quite stressful and anxiety inducing. But it is beginning to feel that that is all my current employers have done since the tumor was found; every spell of stress/anxiety leaves me with increased risk of a seizures. I do not know how much longer I can cope. -_-

Distractions and productivity are not mutually exclusive

I'd like to say 'Another day, Another Dollar' but since I'm on sick pay the days don't mean much either way. I would go stark raving mad at my current lack of activity if it weren't for the fact that my anti-epileptic drugs make me too lethargic to actually give a rat's arse. I meant to get more writing done today, and perhaps even work some more on my CV for when I find a job for occupational therapy.  Then the distractions hit...

Today's distraction...

- Decided to vacuum room. Eventually I actually got to this but only after I finished vacuuming the lounge out.
- Thought meh, may as well vacuum the lounge and realised no one had done the couches and cushions for awhile; two breaks, a washing pile and lunch later this finally got done
- Needed to hang out washing, having remember to actually put it in in the first place.
- Oh, right. Need to take down dry stuff first; but I want to work on this piece I'm writing
- Eh, no milk for me. :( :( Walkies!!!! :)
- Still not wrote anything but sudden epiphany made me put off making bed
- Working through notes on project, hit me that it may actually be easier to time up the 12 pages of outline I have to make the changes.
- Finally manage to write a writing challenge (Called kick her to the Curb), still not started typing up current project

Conveniently I 'forgot' about CV.  But since all I need to refine now is the references and format I think I'm good.  I'm kinda restricted in what I do at the moment anyway and have to consider any job as part of a learning curve. I'm expecting workplace stress factors to affect my triggers.

Actually, dispite the distraction level I was quite productive  ^_^

Seizures and safety, the bloody learning Curve

Get, I' m trying to be really careful about going out and about with my seizures in mind. I am learning  various triggers, and am usually fairly confident about predicting when they will happen. Problem is I have ones that are unpredictable... They hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was having a walk through the park today, felt fine. The next thing I knew I lost control of my right side as my leg started mild convulsions. These were mild enough that I could keep my balance with my other side but I waiting for the day a severe happens... Same thing happened a few days before but fortunately I was close enough to catch hold of a wall - or I would have been swimming in the canal!

It's cold, just far too cold. And those swans are getting vicious.


On the bright side - I made cookies!  Coffee with triple chocolate chips ^_^