This funny old thing we call life.

I seem to spend most of my life in transitory periods, living through one period of change to another.  For awhile this made me feel pretty aimless, as even if I had made a decision, situations change around me and I'm in a lurch fighting to keep up and get ahead.  The past 18 months have been particularly interesting to experience, though I'd have much rather watched it from the side-lines the live though it; particular that nasty biochemical depression that occurred after the neuro finished cutting the hole in my head. Actual Depression + Biochemical Depression = not fun, usually suicidal.  I think sometimes part of my brain has defaulted to pretending it all happened to someone else.  A brain tumor, break up, death of a family member, moving home because of medical dependency on others will all do that to you.  I'm just happy I'm past the stage when I wake gasping for breath  because  I think I'm dying in my sleep, or in tears for no reason, or momentary sleep paralysis (which I really want to see a neuropsychologist about) have diminished to almost never with the exception of the final one.  I think my endocrine system has finally recovered from the steroids as well.  Back to normal PCOS symptons.  It's bad when you just dream about snuggling in, nice and warm, when you're already in bed! lol Fantastic dream, then I wake up because of head, side, back and period pains!

Of course I don't make things easy for myself. I'm starting my social work placement this coming week.  With under 25s at that! What a learning curve.  I took on an addition elective this semester so I have two theory modules to along side the 30 hour per week prac.  I'm now able to process the adoption paperwork for RSPCA so now I do more for them.  Fortunately I've cut my news articles down to fortnightly and will be letting my WIN project officer know I'll be working for 4 months so won't be helping with playgroup.  I also survived my week long intensive at the Gold Coast Campus 8-4 while still going back to  backpackers and finishing assessments - one of which I got an 82% on!  My brain works so much better without the pressure. :)  Things are going well at the moment so fingers crossed its stays that way.

Course some days it dosen't take much to sour the my mood.  I spotted college humour posting a collecting of live tweets from a twitter account of a couple breaking up because of hodkins lymphoma.  Real or fake, it's a pretty insensitive thing to post. In fairness to college humour I think they were trying to illustrate how cruel people can be but as someone who's been through it, having your privacy breached like that can make the humiliation and pain that bit worse. I noticed they took the post down rather quickly after I commented that it was rather insensitive whether the tweets were a hoax or not.  Besides, even if they're only sharing something that's already posted on the internet they may face legal repercussions.  So it made no sense to post it in the first place.

On a brighter note, I've produced some new poems, and new flash fiction.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Sometimes I visit this blog and think 'OMG, it's still here?' I spend more of my time blogging here about my various writing projects then I do on Crazy Thoughts rambling about my life. This has not been deliberate, it's just I initially started blogging as a form of free writing - a way to clear the webs from my thought before I attempted a serious project such as an essay or story.  As a result I started Next Stop: The End (link above) because on writing project lead to another and very soon I no longer engaged in free writing unless I'm stumped (like today).

Crazy Thoughts also became a repository for allergen free recipes, and craft or soap related activities. I still make soap, but infrequently because the stuff last so damn long, though I can give it away quite quickly; I just haven't bought the necessary equipment since I moved, so it's an activity that's on hold till I need to make some more. I did make a yummy banana milo cake a few months ago, a recipe I will share eventually, but its still experimental.  The only project of note was the Handmade Dog Coat that I  shared on my word press blog, and had to intended to share here too. However I've become increasingly busy since I started my Master's degree.

Yes. Master's degree. Totally Crazy. It's not the only change either.  Poor Maxie had to be euthanasied because his cancer was causing him distress.  At least he can finally see Luke again.  Max still looked for him every time he heard a noise downstairs. Because of all the events of this year my aunt now has decided to sell up, and down size.  The house will be on the market and the house de-cluttering shall begin.  This won't be an easy task.  I'm just glad that I've only bought clothes and text books since I moved in!  Getting rid of most of my possessions, furniture and miscellaneous household items was not fun... Or easy because I still had not gain full use/strength of my leg back after the craniotomy and the fatigue meant i'd fall asleep in the middle of doing tasks. It was ridiculous.

Of course it would have been so much easier if the Ex had taken his clutter with him when he bolted in fear of what the tumour meant.  I mean, seriously, don't leave others your crap to deal with; it's not fair.

I need a how-to on how to get to sleep

My insomnia has gotten bad again.  I'm on anti-epileptics that should make me sleep like a log.  But I'm struggling to get to sleep at decent hours.  Then when I've finally been up long enough to cause exhaustion I need to sleep ridiculous spans to catch up.  I'm trying to force a structured routine to make my body tire naturally but so far no luck.  But then I only have just managed to start getting a little more activity in without risking seizures. Beginning to feel like by the time I'm full recovered from the first op the surgeons will be cutting in to resect the tumour again.  On the bright side, the tumor may just shift away from the section of my brain that controls the movement of my right leg.  So I may get to keep they movement of the limb.

Chocolate cures all

Deep cleaning of my room and bathroom done; head swirling and giving me odd disconnects from movement.  I deserve chocolate now.  I will go out for a Mall 'walk' and get some.  Mall Walk are the only way I get exercise these days. Short distance from the flat and always warm no matter what the weather.

MEgrains

I haven't update this blog in a while.  Thought it was about time.  I have been focussing my creative writing blog Next Stop: The End, which currently updates almost every day; often with 2-3 flash fics a day.  My other blog has grown to some 250+ followers with 80 odd twitter followers.  Can't say I'm complaining, I'll be happy if even 10% of those followers are regular readers.  Today I even managed a concrete paragraph for a story line I've been planning out for months.

I talked to my Doctor today about the extending my sick note. Apparently I can extend it as long as I need.  At this point that's fine by me.  I'm building up the amount of work I'm capable off but I still have frequent headaches, migraines, and bouts of fatigue.  I have been applying for jobs that are part-time and within my current capabilities but so far my application is either ignored outright or I get interviewed and automatically fail once it comes to my recent health matters. It feel like I'm not going to get a job until I'm no longer affect by seizures or brain surgery or until I deliberately choose not disclose my 'disability'.  Because the seizure effects, right-side issues, and surgery-related side-effects are still quite obvious I can't not disclose.  Seems my value as a staff member has fallen.  Gotta love society...

Thoughts for the day.

Procrastination is an art form.
Depression is realising that if my head process this well during my degree I would have gotten a first
Dealing is realising that I still got a 2:1 with a lump pressing against the part of my brain that controlled intellectual functions.

STARBUCKS!!!

I finally have it! The first cup of Starbucks coffee in 4 months. It's been soooo long :( .  I'm in Oxford for my first proper MRI since the craniotomy. And it's too cold for me to wander around. I forgot how pretty Oxford, even mid-winter. I almost regret getting here 2 hours early but that's just perfect time frame for sitting in 'bucks having a drink. Funny bit is I would have gotten to headington and hour earlier but trains heading south from Banbury were facing severe delays as the result of broken down freight train. Fun day for rail staff.

It's been a busy day already. First job was to get to a drs appointment to ask my dr to write a letter to send to the benefits office on my behalf.  I am hoping it will be enough to make them reconsider suspension off the housing allowance because, while I am pursuing other avenues to get my payslips, it will be cutting it close if I do get them in time. At the moment I have to hope the benefits team will accent bank statements. Bloody frustrating. The worst part is I'm not even blaming the benefits team; it's their job. Although the best part of the day was my dr advising me not to go back to working with them. Highlight.

But I guess I am going to have to go into my savings sooner than planned either way -_- I need new glasses, sooner the better. The prescription difference is substantial enough that I get eye strain just walking around town. Working the mail-out at age concern was fun. Had to keep stooping or bringing the envelopes uncomfortably close to my face evey time there was a snag.

I have totally had enough...

Sooo quick recap - life fell apart after seizures lead to discovery of tumor in the left hemisphere of my brain. It has been removed and 3 months of recover later I'm trying to pick up the pieces. However, my work place seems intent on ,asking my health worse. My biggest concern for getting my life back together is the persistent, ongoing seizures. I have been trying so hard to get these under control. But given that tense emotional states, fatigue and cognitive/physical exertion all bring the seizures on, this a tough task.

Today I recieved a request from the local housing authority requesting my last three payslips (clearly to prove I am still only receiving sick pay). This is to be expected. But it was then that I realised that, in addition to forgetting to pay my sick pay in November, they had not sent me one payslip since September. If I can't prove what I am receiving then I will face, at the very least, a temporary suspension of my housing allowance. Since I am still unable to work the hours necessary to afford to live off wages this is actually quite stressful and anxiety inducing. But it is beginning to feel that that is all my current employers have done since the tumor was found; every spell of stress/anxiety leaves me with increased risk of a seizures. I do not know how much longer I can cope. -_-