This funny old thing we call life.

I seem to spend most of my life in transitory periods, living through one period of change to another.  For awhile this made me feel pretty aimless, as even if I had made a decision, situations change around me and I'm in a lurch fighting to keep up and get ahead.  The past 18 months have been particularly interesting to experience, though I'd have much rather watched it from the side-lines the live though it; particular that nasty biochemical depression that occurred after the neuro finished cutting the hole in my head. Actual Depression + Biochemical Depression = not fun, usually suicidal.  I think sometimes part of my brain has defaulted to pretending it all happened to someone else.  A brain tumor, break up, death of a family member, moving home because of medical dependency on others will all do that to you.  I'm just happy I'm past the stage when I wake gasping for breath  because  I think I'm dying in my sleep, or in tears for no reason, or momentary sleep paralysis (which I really want to see a neuropsychologist about) have diminished to almost never with the exception of the final one.  I think my endocrine system has finally recovered from the steroids as well.  Back to normal PCOS symptons.  It's bad when you just dream about snuggling in, nice and warm, when you're already in bed! lol Fantastic dream, then I wake up because of head, side, back and period pains!

Of course I don't make things easy for myself. I'm starting my social work placement this coming week.  With under 25s at that! What a learning curve.  I took on an addition elective this semester so I have two theory modules to along side the 30 hour per week prac.  I'm now able to process the adoption paperwork for RSPCA so now I do more for them.  Fortunately I've cut my news articles down to fortnightly and will be letting my WIN project officer know I'll be working for 4 months so won't be helping with playgroup.  I also survived my week long intensive at the Gold Coast Campus 8-4 while still going back to  backpackers and finishing assessments - one of which I got an 82% on!  My brain works so much better without the pressure. :)  Things are going well at the moment so fingers crossed its stays that way.

Course some days it dosen't take much to sour the my mood.  I spotted college humour posting a collecting of live tweets from a twitter account of a couple breaking up because of hodkins lymphoma.  Real or fake, it's a pretty insensitive thing to post. In fairness to college humour I think they were trying to illustrate how cruel people can be but as someone who's been through it, having your privacy breached like that can make the humiliation and pain that bit worse. I noticed they took the post down rather quickly after I commented that it was rather insensitive whether the tweets were a hoax or not.  Besides, even if they're only sharing something that's already posted on the internet they may face legal repercussions.  So it made no sense to post it in the first place.

On a brighter note, I've produced some new poems, and new flash fiction.

To the beat of a different drum.

It has been ages since I posted.  Since march I have been either stupidly busy, fatigued or dealing with ill-health both related to my tumor or my immuno-suppression, and setting up new specialists.  I'm finally back to semi-regular posting with my fiction blog.  I'm finally sort-of settled into my new living situation.  I've been spending lot's of time with old friends, family and a pair of adorable doggies of whom I've been playing surrogate mother too.  Time really dose flow to it's own beat, as before I had even realized it, August had arrived.

I'm not a fan of August.  Too many bad things happen around August. Every year I wonder what will happen this time.  I'm hoping nothing because I've already had enough shit for one year.  The 25th is around the corner.  I've survived another year.  Not yet 30 and I'm marking off years of life with the same sense of achievement usually held by those over 70.

The 28th - anniversary of my first Grand Mal. Oct 2nd - Anniversary of my awake craniotomy. Oct 7 - Anniversary of a bitch-slap I never deserved from life or from someone I cared about and trusted. It would be nice if it ended there.  But life is not so kind.  Then there's March... When we will be wishing that one of our own was still here.

We never know how much time we have left.  There a things I no longer care about because I've learned there are things I'll never have. There are things I can't worry about because I can't affect the out come no matter what I do. Instead I choose to focus on what I can achieve, what I can do. Even when it seems insufficient to what life throws at me.

I have totally had enough...

Sooo quick recap - life fell apart after seizures lead to discovery of tumor in the left hemisphere of my brain. It has been removed and 3 months of recover later I'm trying to pick up the pieces. However, my work place seems intent on ,asking my health worse. My biggest concern for getting my life back together is the persistent, ongoing seizures. I have been trying so hard to get these under control. But given that tense emotional states, fatigue and cognitive/physical exertion all bring the seizures on, this a tough task.

Today I recieved a request from the local housing authority requesting my last three payslips (clearly to prove I am still only receiving sick pay). This is to be expected. But it was then that I realised that, in addition to forgetting to pay my sick pay in November, they had not sent me one payslip since September. If I can't prove what I am receiving then I will face, at the very least, a temporary suspension of my housing allowance. Since I am still unable to work the hours necessary to afford to live off wages this is actually quite stressful and anxiety inducing. But it is beginning to feel that that is all my current employers have done since the tumor was found; every spell of stress/anxiety leaves me with increased risk of a seizures. I do not know how much longer I can cope. -_-