This funny old thing we call life.

I seem to spend most of my life in transitory periods, living through one period of change to another.  For awhile this made me feel pretty aimless, as even if I had made a decision, situations change around me and I'm in a lurch fighting to keep up and get ahead.  The past 18 months have been particularly interesting to experience, though I'd have much rather watched it from the side-lines the live though it; particular that nasty biochemical depression that occurred after the neuro finished cutting the hole in my head. Actual Depression + Biochemical Depression = not fun, usually suicidal.  I think sometimes part of my brain has defaulted to pretending it all happened to someone else.  A brain tumor, break up, death of a family member, moving home because of medical dependency on others will all do that to you.  I'm just happy I'm past the stage when I wake gasping for breath  because  I think I'm dying in my sleep, or in tears for no reason, or momentary sleep paralysis (which I really want to see a neuropsychologist about) have diminished to almost never with the exception of the final one.  I think my endocrine system has finally recovered from the steroids as well.  Back to normal PCOS symptons.  It's bad when you just dream about snuggling in, nice and warm, when you're already in bed! lol Fantastic dream, then I wake up because of head, side, back and period pains!

Of course I don't make things easy for myself. I'm starting my social work placement this coming week.  With under 25s at that! What a learning curve.  I took on an addition elective this semester so I have two theory modules to along side the 30 hour per week prac.  I'm now able to process the adoption paperwork for RSPCA so now I do more for them.  Fortunately I've cut my news articles down to fortnightly and will be letting my WIN project officer know I'll be working for 4 months so won't be helping with playgroup.  I also survived my week long intensive at the Gold Coast Campus 8-4 while still going back to  backpackers and finishing assessments - one of which I got an 82% on!  My brain works so much better without the pressure. :)  Things are going well at the moment so fingers crossed its stays that way.

Course some days it dosen't take much to sour the my mood.  I spotted college humour posting a collecting of live tweets from a twitter account of a couple breaking up because of hodkins lymphoma.  Real or fake, it's a pretty insensitive thing to post. In fairness to college humour I think they were trying to illustrate how cruel people can be but as someone who's been through it, having your privacy breached like that can make the humiliation and pain that bit worse. I noticed they took the post down rather quickly after I commented that it was rather insensitive whether the tweets were a hoax or not.  Besides, even if they're only sharing something that's already posted on the internet they may face legal repercussions.  So it made no sense to post it in the first place.

On a brighter note, I've produced some new poems, and new flash fiction.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Sometimes I visit this blog and think 'OMG, it's still here?' I spend more of my time blogging here about my various writing projects then I do on Crazy Thoughts rambling about my life. This has not been deliberate, it's just I initially started blogging as a form of free writing - a way to clear the webs from my thought before I attempted a serious project such as an essay or story.  As a result I started Next Stop: The End (link above) because on writing project lead to another and very soon I no longer engaged in free writing unless I'm stumped (like today).

Crazy Thoughts also became a repository for allergen free recipes, and craft or soap related activities. I still make soap, but infrequently because the stuff last so damn long, though I can give it away quite quickly; I just haven't bought the necessary equipment since I moved, so it's an activity that's on hold till I need to make some more. I did make a yummy banana milo cake a few months ago, a recipe I will share eventually, but its still experimental.  The only project of note was the Handmade Dog Coat that I  shared on my word press blog, and had to intended to share here too. However I've become increasingly busy since I started my Master's degree.

Yes. Master's degree. Totally Crazy. It's not the only change either.  Poor Maxie had to be euthanasied because his cancer was causing him distress.  At least he can finally see Luke again.  Max still looked for him every time he heard a noise downstairs. Because of all the events of this year my aunt now has decided to sell up, and down size.  The house will be on the market and the house de-cluttering shall begin.  This won't be an easy task.  I'm just glad that I've only bought clothes and text books since I moved in!  Getting rid of most of my possessions, furniture and miscellaneous household items was not fun... Or easy because I still had not gain full use/strength of my leg back after the craniotomy and the fatigue meant i'd fall asleep in the middle of doing tasks. It was ridiculous.

Of course it would have been so much easier if the Ex had taken his clutter with him when he bolted in fear of what the tumour meant.  I mean, seriously, don't leave others your crap to deal with; it's not fair.

To the beat of a different drum.

It has been ages since I posted.  Since march I have been either stupidly busy, fatigued or dealing with ill-health both related to my tumor or my immuno-suppression, and setting up new specialists.  I'm finally back to semi-regular posting with my fiction blog.  I'm finally sort-of settled into my new living situation.  I've been spending lot's of time with old friends, family and a pair of adorable doggies of whom I've been playing surrogate mother too.  Time really dose flow to it's own beat, as before I had even realized it, August had arrived.

I'm not a fan of August.  Too many bad things happen around August. Every year I wonder what will happen this time.  I'm hoping nothing because I've already had enough shit for one year.  The 25th is around the corner.  I've survived another year.  Not yet 30 and I'm marking off years of life with the same sense of achievement usually held by those over 70.

The 28th - anniversary of my first Grand Mal. Oct 2nd - Anniversary of my awake craniotomy. Oct 7 - Anniversary of a bitch-slap I never deserved from life or from someone I cared about and trusted. It would be nice if it ended there.  But life is not so kind.  Then there's March... When we will be wishing that one of our own was still here.

We never know how much time we have left.  There a things I no longer care about because I've learned there are things I'll never have. There are things I can't worry about because I can't affect the out come no matter what I do. Instead I choose to focus on what I can achieve, what I can do. Even when it seems insufficient to what life throws at me.

Chocolate cures all

Deep cleaning of my room and bathroom done; head swirling and giving me odd disconnects from movement.  I deserve chocolate now.  I will go out for a Mall 'walk' and get some.  Mall Walk are the only way I get exercise these days. Short distance from the flat and always warm no matter what the weather.